Thursday, January 18, 2007

Greenness Next to Godliness

I’m bored to death today. I was unable to update this blog because I’ve been feeling under the weather these past few weeks. I had this chesty cough that just wouldn’t go away and coming home from work yesterday evening; I just fell on the bed and sacked out like a heavy Edwardian oak door with all the bones in my body feeling like a stiff hinge. I also woke up in the middle of the night parched and shivering from the cold. I could have sworn the old mercury thermometer melted between my gums.

I need to chop my head off before it explodes and create a huge mess on the floor. Pardon me my dear friends; I’m having one of my emo moments here. I am having a blinding headache and every muscle in my body felt so weak I couldn’t even help myself to a bowl of cereal. If mighty Zeus will ask me to bear the World on my shoulder instead of Atlas, I would definitely drop it on our kitchen faux-granite work top: “Oops! I think I just smashed the planet to smithereens.” It reminds me of my pop’s step dad we should have called gramps but we called dad instead. Don’t ask me why. We have a conspicuously or grossly unconventional family. For somebody who people think is a very religious man he is so wittily full of irony. He is a genuine Michelangelo and sculpted all the saints/angels/whatever that adorned the village church. One day, an old friend asked why he walked out in the middle of a church mass just to have a cigarette and he replied: “God bestowed me these privileges because I made all His images. If He would allow me to control the weather centre up in the heavens even just for a day, I would scorch the earth and everything that’s in it.”

He predicted in 1986 that the Philippines will become a communist state. It nearly did: until stupid lizards suddenly decided to change their colours at the crucial moment. Or could it be the dissent in the politburos ranks over strategy that until this day is still causing a bitter feud within the armed people's movement? I don't really know, to be quite honest. This is just a stupid theory. On the other hand, the religious broadcaster Pat Robertson has spoken to God this year and was apparently told that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in “mass killing” late in 2007. Jesus. That’s a lot of dead bodies. I am utterly fascinated by people who are propitious, although I’d prefer my gramps over this saddo.

I learnt from Erlend Loe that a human being weighing 70 kilograms contains among other things:

45 litres of water
Enough chalk to whiten a chicken pen
Enough phosphorous for 2,200 matches
Enough fat to make approximately 70 bars of soap
Enough iron to make a 2 inch nail
Enough carbon for 9,000 pencil points
A spoonful of magnesium

If green friends are going to push recycling because of this, I am never ever going to use a bar of soap again. Or pencils. Never mind that cremation is apparently the third largest source of mercury emissions. I can’t understand all this fuss about CO2 emissions from burning corpses anyway. Years ago, The Church of England asked the clergy to discourage cremation because of the greenhouse gases generated. News here.

I am feeling so cold. Where is global warming when you need one?

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20 Comments:

Blogger Balong said...

are u alone in life? i mean wala pa bang aprtner to take care with u there?

12:30 AM  
Blogger The Angry Medic said...

Hahaha. Go stand outside your house spraying an aerosol and maybe it'll get warmer (screw the grandkids, you're cold NOW, right?) ;)

What, Bush and Gang are gonna orchestrate another terrorist attack to increase their ratings?

6:33 PM  
Blogger howling said...

Oh, Hi vince... Thanks for the concern. I do have a partner,actually. But she's busy making all the money... :(

1:20 AM  
Blogger howling said...

LOL! Thanks, angry. I was actually thinking of drowning my head to a bowl of Lemsip, but I might just do what you suggested here. Hmmm. Never thought of that. The heck with grandkids. The Bush Gang is never ever gonna back the Kyoto protocol anyway. And the most it could do is buy us what? A six year delay in the warming process.

We're doomed. With $150 billion to spend every year for the rest of the century to postpone warming for six years... How about spending it to discover a super vaccine that will completely eradicate flu in the planet?

1:47 AM  
Blogger Alternati said...

Pat Robertson, cremation, the Marcos Regime... no wonder you have a headache! Try Conan O'Brien, sedation and the Simpson Regime and I assure you it works like a dozen Advils. :P

We have chalk in our bodies??? hahaha... I never knew that.

I am all for ecology, but come on. Next thing they'll charge taxes for farting.

Hope you feel better soon. :)

1:21 PM  
Anonymous sasha said...

No wonder you're scarce these past few days (or is it weeks now?)...

You just need rest, my friend. And you need to stop thinking about all these things! hehehe

Get well soon, Howl!

P.S. Hahaha... you got it right about my post *winks*

7:35 PM  
Blogger vernaloo said...

hey Howling. Hope you are feeling better now :) Btw I do visit your blog regularly but sometimes I just don't comment. Also blogspot is going loco...it's so damn hard to open your comment box most of the times.

Anyway regarding the fat content of our body..I do hope that's not accurate hehe

5:25 PM  
Blogger howling said...

Oh, yes! alternati - If you can still remember high school chemistry, chalk is only made of calcium carbonate. You'd be surprised what else you'd find in our bodies if you think about it.. you can organize a foam dance party with all the soap suds... dry ice from carbon dioxide... you get salt from body fluids for your tequila and muriatic acid from stomach contents for that annoying retard who knocked off all the bottles on your table.

Rather sad, isn't it? LOL!

Too bad we don't have NBC... so no Conan here. :(

3:00 AM  
Blogger howling said...

I don't always think about this things, sash, NO! I don't get sick because these are the contents of my thoughts. Not always. Not in that order anyway. I usually go ill first, then I think about these things. Thank u very much. I will hopefully get well soon.

3:07 AM  
Blogger howling said...

No worries, verns. And yes, I'm afraid they are pretty accurate. Wouldn't it be nice to go to the gym someday and tell yourself: I'm gonna lose 3 bars of soap today?

Lovely to hear from you. Thanks!!!

3:17 AM  
Anonymous Shari said...

Hope you're feeling really better now. Trust me, I have that kind of days often..

Err, I imagine I'm going to be a hit, knowing that I weigh more than 70kg. Haha. 90 liters of water and tons of soaps. Nasty.

4:20 AM  
Anonymous may said...

all you need is some hot tinolang native manok :)

get well.

may
www.aboutanurse.com

9:47 PM  
Blogger ariel said...

get well so we get to read other well-thought out pieces from this site.

3:41 PM  
Blogger howling said...

Hahaha!!! Tell me about it, shari. Between you and me, life really sucks... Ain't it?

Wow. That is really tipping off the scales. LOL!

2:12 AM  
Blogger howling said...

Oh please, may. You're making me homesick even more. That's a really good cure though. I just couldn't find a worm-eating, sunshine-loving, native chiken for tinola. What they have here is a headless, footless, corn-fed, pale bird that taste nothing like our own chicken back home.

Thanks! :)

2:21 AM  
Blogger howling said...

Thank you so so much sir ariel...

I will get better soon. :) I'm actually feeling much better already.

2:24 AM  
Blogger aCey said...

hey, howling! hope you're feelin better already. got a link to here from big hamster's blog... hey, we should exchange links. heh. i enjoyed looking around your blog and reading some of your stories. ^_^

4:27 PM  
Anonymous sasha said...

Hey, Howl! Feelin any better now?

Off topic: Naglipat again. Moved to http://sasha.akoni.info already... :)

12:08 AM  
Blogger Talamasca said...

Aw! Emoshitnal, huh? You poor thing. Hoping for your speedy recovery!

ZOMG your dad's step dad rox my sox.

Yeah where's the global warming? Thumbs down to the weather! I've got the cutest bikini thong for the beach here, but I haven't been able to put it on. Just give me one day of sunshine so I can show my little ass off. I can't wait to see all the stares I'm gonna get. :-)

6:38 AM  
Blogger Bryan Anthony the First said...

i'm almost tempted to recommend masturbating to deal with your chill but no. Alternati is right, try something else, like a Regine Velasquez album played over and over again.

hey get well soon kiddo!


woof!

11:42 PM  

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