Greenness Next to Godliness

I’m bored to death today. I was unable to update this blog because I’ve been feeling under the weather these past few weeks. I had this chesty cough that just wouldn’t go away and coming home from work yesterday evening; I just fell on the bed and sacked out like a heavy Edwardian oak door with all the bones in my body feeling like a stiff hinge. I also woke up in the middle of the night parched and shivering from the cold. I could have sworn the old mercury thermometer melted between my gums.

I need to chop my head off before it explodes and create a huge mess on the floor. Pardon me my dear friends; I’m having one of my emo moments here. I am having a blinding headache and every muscle in my body felt so weak I couldn’t even help myself to a bowl of cereal. If mighty Zeus will ask me to bear the World on my shoulder instead of Atlas, I would definitely drop it on our kitchen faux-granite work top: “Oops! I think I just smashed the planet to smithereens.” It reminds me of my pop’s step dad we should have called gramps but we called dad instead. Don’t ask me why. We have a conspicuously or grossly unconventional family. For somebody who people think is a very religious man he is so wittily full of irony. He is a genuine Michelangelo and sculpted all the saints/angels/whatever that adorned the village church. One day, an old friend asked why he walked out in the middle of a church mass just to have a cigarette and he replied: “God bestowed me these privileges because I made all His images. If He would allow me to control the weather centre up in the heavens even just for a day, I would scorch the earth and everything that’s in it.”

He predicted in 1986 that the Philippines will become a communist state. It nearly did: until stupid lizards suddenly decided to change their colours at the crucial moment. Or could it be the dissent in the politburos ranks over strategy that until this day is still causing a bitter feud within the armed people's movement? I don't really know, to be quite honest. This is just a stupid theory. On the other hand, the religious broadcaster Pat Robertson has spoken to God this year and was apparently told that a terrorist attack on the United States would result in “mass killing” late in 2007. Jesus. That’s a lot of dead bodies. I am utterly fascinated by people who are propitious, although I’d prefer my gramps over this saddo.

I learnt from Erlend Loe that a human being weighing 70 kilograms contains among other things:

45 litres of water
Enough chalk to whiten a chicken pen
Enough phosphorous for 2,200 matches
Enough fat to make approximately 70 bars of soap
Enough iron to make a 2 inch nail
Enough carbon for 9,000 pencil points
A spoonful of magnesium

If green friends are going to push recycling because of this, I am never ever going to use a bar of soap again. Or pencils. Never mind that cremation is apparently the third largest source of mercury emissions. I can’t understand all this fuss about CO2 emissions from burning corpses anyway. Years ago, The Church of England asked the clergy to discourage cremation because of the greenhouse gases generated. News here.

I am feeling so cold. Where is global warming when you need one?