Saturday, February 17, 2007

Gastro-porn

The French are pretty shameless when it comes to public display of affection especially when they are dans le feu de l’action ( in the heat of the action ). One particular girl didn’t care that the crack of her derrière ( ass ) was aiming to eat the brioche au chocolat in my hand every time her boyfriend shoved his face on her. And not the least bothered that the sound of their spit as they exchanged it - put me off eating a favourite French roll: croissant packed with chocolate and hazelnut. No wonder I couldn’t give two lardy arses about Saint Valentine's Day. I was too tired coming home from the trip and had enough of this soppy lovin’ feeling to last me a lifetime.

People in France go nuts with their chocolate and hazelnut spread. Not only as a substitute for Viagra but also for Prozac. Apparently, a jar of Nutella sits alongside the weapon of choice in a suicide scene of every French teenager and jobless graduate who had a nervous breakdown.


The bus we took during the tour is packed with plump middle-aged tourists and young fit Parisiens like a tin of sardines but the view from the window was oozing with vitality, intrigue and appétit just like a Bernardo Bertolucci movie. I don’t know why, but every time I think of Paris, I remember that doggie style scene between Marlon Brando and Maria Schneider using butter as lubrication. Could be the reason why I got this very funny mental carnivale de l'erotique thing going to any food that I ate whilst I was there: Crème Brûlée, strawberries, cheese, crêpes and even a sandwich.

I’m not surprised about this Freudian fascination with the most celebrated landmark – The Eiffel Tower. Like the rest of them tourists, I was transfixed to the romantic view. Then I suddenly had butterflies in my stomach. Or more like worms clamouring for food. We got off at Champs Élysées and took a lovely long walk in the most beautiful avenue in the world.
Dining in a restaurant is really tricky. The waiters can be a real pain in the derrière. Most can speak English but they have this weird view that most people, even tourists can also speak French. You must at least know how to twaddle a bit no matter how unintelligible it is just to get their attention:

"Répondez blah-blah, s'il vous plaît." ( I know it means respond if you please -that RSVP note they usually put at wedding invites, but if you mumble it rather quickly, the waiter may take it that you would like to see the menu, please. ) Otherwise, your bum will bleed quicker on a chair waiting for them to serve you than you would if you swallow and crap a dozen Big Macs. Then there is the nightmare of actually reading the menu. Whatever you like just avoid the word: "escargot". It’s better to eat lumps of green grass / things drenched in olive oil than a row of terrestrial snail in their shells swimming in yellowish goo of butter. I had it before. Not very pleasant.

The wine list is another. The girlfriend was quite good at this. Like a true connoisseur she read it aloud punctuating her words with oh’s and ahh, I’ve tried this before and that, or something: it was like watching Chinese movies - I didn’t understand a word but I liked it. I noticed she picked the second cheapest bottle. Uh, huh. I bet she was bluffing. The steak was a bit dry but not bad. I’d preferred it if they drowned it in gravy though, and not piped a silly heart-shaped trim of sauce around it.


The dessert was scrumptious.

The rest of Paris pics are here:
City of Lights, Gastronomique, Disneyland

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17 Comments:

Blogger Dominique said...

And here I was hoping for a shot of the French girl's derriere that threatened to eat your chocolat...

=D

5:16 PM  
Blogger Alternati said...

I had the best cigarette of my life atop the Eiffel Tower. That's what I used to love and admire about Paris, but alas, what are all these smoking bans? I can't imagine Paris without the wafting smoke of fags.

Well excuse moi mr. Howling... know much french? I've seen a couple of unsubtitled french movies without understanding a thing. I just like listening to them french men talk.

Even ass sounds lovely in French.

6:08 AM  
Blogger howling said...

Got you there dominique ... LOL! I really wish to capture some hot action on film but there wasn't much space to manoeuver my lens.

6:38 AM  
Blogger howling said...

Good thing you really savoured that best bit about having a fag with a panoramic view of Paris alter ... there is no better way to a have a post-coital fix than atop the towering phallic symbol that is The Eiffel.

It's the EU rule banning smokes in public places. We are feeling it here as well in England. And yes, I have to admit French is a really pretty language but I'm sure I'd be really appalling at spelling. What's the use of the P's and the T's if you're not gonna pronounce them? Sorry.

7:01 AM  
Blogger aCey said...

whaaahahahaha! i love you already! haha. what a fun post to read. i'll see paris one day and find out for myself if the stuff here are really true (which i think is really true!). haha. kung hei fat choi, howling!

8:33 PM  
Blogger Talamasca said...

Skanky whores and motherfuckers are all over the place, huh? Ugh.

Pardon the French. ;-p

Is it true that a lot of French have halitosis? Like, they don't really brush their teeth and if they do, it's just some once-in-a-blue-moon kind of thing? Heard it from my sister's friend and I just want a second opinion from you.

Oh, and as usual, lovely photos. Bai!!!

10:33 PM  
Anonymous Pining said...

We have to admire the French in that way.. they're very proud of their language. Don't know about you but I haven't seen a "fat" French when I was there, have you? As opposed to their next door neighbour...nevermind.

5:00 AM  
Blogger Bryan Anthony the First said...

awwww...i'm turning green in envy!!

i wish i am somewhere else other than 4th world Papua New Guinea... somewhere else like Paris!

public display of affection and a good wine list will suit me just fine

did i say i do PDA? oh malate days...

6:19 PM  
Blogger howling said...

I'm not pulling your leg, acey. LOL! I'm not making up the snail meal. And I forgot to add here, I've also tried frogs legs. Very tasty. Kung hei fat choi to you too!!!

3:52 AM  
Blogger howling said...

LOL! tala... xnfingpopsicle! Really??? I heard they consume a lot of garlic... so that may explain the offensive whiff. And you know what they say to someone who sprays 'eau de toilette' way too much... but that is just a stupid theory. I have to say, they smell quite lovely. They wouldn't have invented the French kiss, otherwise.

4:21 AM  
Blogger howling said...

I have to agree with you, pining. They really love to speak French. I'd say their Brioche is absolutely wonderful! I ain't gonna eat white bread no more. The "next door neighbour" euphemism is really funny. That depends which border you're looking, though. LOL! I admit, I've seen quite a lot of nought-sized Eva Green lookalikes...

4:43 AM  
Blogger howling said...

I wish I'd be able to sit down with you as well, bryan anthony... sipping SP Lager whilst watching the tribe milking the goat or chewing a bou wi - whatever that is.. There is no perfect place. Just perfect moments. LOL! PDA in Malate... Hmmm?

4:52 AM  
Blogger vernaloo said...

French women they say are really slim. Probably because of the way they eat...slow like they really enjoy their food. Unlike some that devours it in a minute or two :)

Looks like you had a good time. The dessert looks yummy.

5:30 PM  
Blogger howling said...

Yeah, verns. I can imagine them really chewing before they swallow. They are serial masticators, them French women.

10:24 AM  
Blogger Jasmin said...

snails... hmmm not on top of my yummylist too. =P

11:30 PM  
Anonymous Shari said...

There's only one reason why I hate anything French: I failed third year high school French with a depressing grade of 78 - from a whooping 94! Prof didn't like me. o_O

But I agree with Alternati! French sounds sexy!

8:54 AM  
Anonymous Ferdz said...

Haha! I'm always amused by the way your write. I love the third pic by the way. Yeah! That's why I don't like going in tour or organized groups, most of the time you're with ol' folks who just got out of retirement and spending their money touring places.

6:44 PM  

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